Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
