im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
