atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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