i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
