i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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