Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
