You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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