his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
