what if every blade of grass was a penis?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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