he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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