You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
