i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
