News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
