Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
