I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
