my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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