can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
