i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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