My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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