If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
