is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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