She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
