if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Semen is not good for contacts.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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