at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
