Jerry, you need to find god
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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