Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
