He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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