How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
