I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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