we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
