I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He shit in the fireplace
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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