Define "chronic" masturbator.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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