My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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