The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
this just has baby written all over it
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Sorry my hands just texted you
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
