my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
