What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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