I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
