The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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