he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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