I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
