so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize