I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
