I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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