the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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