my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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