I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
