And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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