sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The police scanner is talking about you again....
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize