wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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