So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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