watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize