I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
