i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize