How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Watching her eat just hurts me
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
