My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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