All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
