smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
