I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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