I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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