I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
